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Topics - BeardFisher-King

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Writing / The Lost Zorro Transcriptions
« on: December 04, 2017, 08:05:56 pm »
What follows is the first of a collection of fragments that are apparently a transcription of a performance by legendary comic Zôreius Öenghûs. It is believed that the  transcriber was none other than Drusas Achamian and that the performance occurred during the Holy War's march to Shimeh.

*  *  *  *  *  *  FRAGMENT THE FIRST  *  *  *  *  *  *

.....and Holy Hades, you should have seen the look on Proyas's face! Priceless!

Anyway, where was I? Right, right, the Vulgar Holy War. Almighty God, what a bunch of stupid fuck-ups! "Yeah, we bad! Fanim's gonna be skeered of us! Yeah, boy!!" Fucking whacked by the Fanim. Literally whacked, right? Chop, chop, chop...."Hey, who needs a head? Coming up!" You gotta love their style, too. Sending the heads of the Three Stooges back to the Emperor. "Hey, boss, here are yo boys...."

[ be continued]

So, those Forum denizens hip to the Quorum have suffered my innumerable references to the Paper Plane cocktail. Time for a thread devoted to all things alcoholic!

The Paper Plane

3/4 oz bourbon
3/4 oz lemon juice
3/4 oz Aperol
3/4 oz Amaro Nonino

Blend ingredients in shaker with ice. Strain and serve!

This is an excellent summer cocktail. It could, in time, join such venerable drinks as the whisky sour, the Tom Collins, and the margarita.

Please drink responsibly. Remember, don't drink and post!

General Earwa / Nonmen Jokes
« on: May 04, 2017, 04:53:29 pm »
How do you defeat a Nonman in a swordfight? Before it begins, you ask him, "Hey, that looks like an excellent sword. Who made it for you?". Then run him through as he pauses in confusion.

General Earwa / "Name That Comic!" ..... The CONTEST!!
« on: April 28, 2017, 03:19:23 pm »
Hey, Redeagl (and any other interested Forum members), I need a good name for the comedian delivering this classic routine. As originally written, I used my own moniker, but the talented, albeit quite profane, performer deserves an Eärwan name.

Neuropath / Is a Neuropath future inevitable and/or unavoidable?
« on: April 27, 2017, 08:24:08 pm »
I find what I could stand to read of Neuropath and Crash Space extremely disturbing and unnerving. Don't like reading them. At all.
I think that's his point- we don't want to face our future, but here it is!
I get that, but I disagree that our future is inevitably headed in that direction. :)

General Earwa / The Greatest Eärwan Stand-Up Comedy Routine EVER!
« on: April 26, 2017, 02:55:35 pm »
What follows is a imaginary stand-up routine performed in Eärwa during the events chronicled in The Aspect-Emperor series. All chatter, chit-chat, commentary, conversation, controversy, criticism are welcome. The routine will be regularly amended, augmented, demented, and re-invented.

* * * UPDATED MAY 14, 2017! * * *
(yes, on Mothers' Day....for all you muthas)

"And now, fresh from a weekend engagement in Sumna, please give a warm, Momemn welcome to....ZORRO! Zöreius Öenghûs, everybody! <hoots, hollers, etc.>

Thanks! Thank you very much. Caste-nobles and....ladies  <guffaws and snickering> now, now, boys! How are things in Momemn? <sustained cheering> Boy, am I glad to be here in Momemn tonight. I was just in Sumna , down the road a few leagues.....anyone here from Sumna? You are, sir? Lemme ask you a question. Why is anyone still in Sumna? I gotta tell ya, best thing about Sumna was leaving that sorry shitpile. What was that? Your family still lives there? Well, I'm sure parts of it are nice. Hey, maybe it was me. I spent the whole weekend chugging anpoi and snorting Qirri, so.....I mean, holy fucking Consult, at one point I could have sworn I saw the fucking No-God himself. Turns out some asshat had spilled a baggie of Qirri, and the wind was swirling the shit around in the air. Scared the fuck outta me. Can you imagine? I even thought I heard the fucker speak! You know, "TELL....ME ....WHAT ... DO.....YOU.....SEE?" How the fuck do you even start to answer that fucking question? When you're higher than the fucking Nail of Heaven? Bombed off your ass on anpoi and Nonman dust? Fffuuuuuuck..... "What do I see? I see the inside of my fucking eyelids, you scary fuck. Go the fuck away." Sweet Sejenus, I'm hallucinating the fucking No-God, plus I'm hearing the whole million-voices thing. I gotta chalk that up to the Qirri. I must have scored a bad batch. Must have been cut with Sranc. Yeah, you guys over there know what I'm talking about. That Sranc dust......when you snort that shit, you get all kinds of hyped up! You're going like "What's that? What's that? What was that? Who are you? What are you? Who? What?" Fucking exhausting. Straight Qirri.....the best. You feel like you could rebuild Sauglish on your lunch break and never break a sweat. Steady Eddie, not a worry in the Three Seas. Only thing, if you do too can't remember a single thing that you did. Which can be a good thing.

Anyway, where was I? Right, all sranced-up on bogus Qirri and hallucinating the fucking No-God himself. End of the fucking world. I'm thinking, "Where the fuck is that fucker Kellhus?" Right? I mean, he would know what the fuck to do. Scary motherfucker. The Baddest of the Bad. Comes striding in with those two fucking HEADS on his belt. You ladies know what Super K is saying with those fuckers: "That ain't all I got hanging down there, darlings." Arrogant bastard. Dûnyain. Dûûûnnnnyain. They look at you, tell you what you had for breakfast fifty years ago. You play poker with a Dûnyain, you might as well toss your fucking wallet on the table and leave. And hey, you introduce a Dûnyain like Kellhus to your wife, you might as well introduce yourself to a good divorce lawyer. Utterly devious pricks. And master bullshitters. Look at Kellhus.  Wanders out of the North umpteen years ago, which nobody does. Hanging with a Scylvendi, which nobody does. Spins everyone a tale about how he's a Prince from Atrithau. Well, who the fuck knows one single fucking thing about Atrithau? It's not like anyone can do a fucking background check on the guy. I mean, who you gonna ask? The fucking Sranc? "Excuse me, Mr. Sranc, I hate to interrupt you while you're fucking that dead yak, but I'm trying to trace a guy name of Kellhus. Says he's from Atrithau?" No fucking way. So, a genius line of bullshit. Well, you know the rest. Takes over the Holy War, kicks Kianene ass, kicks Cishaurim ass; fuck, he kicks everyone's ass. Becomes Aspect-Emperor, whatever the fuck that means. Then the Unification Wars, also known as the Get Onboard Or Get Fucked Wars. Now, look, I've been having some fun here with His Supremeness. Maybe a little irreverent, maybe borderline-blasphemous. Any Judges in the audience tonight? A couple? Hey, I'm Zorro the fucking clown, OK? But absolutely NO disrespect. NONE. Hey, as I stand here with my hair on fire doing my thing, our Aspect-Emperor is leading the Great Ordeal, without a doubt the most serious collection of terrifying motherfuckers ever seen in the Three Seas, and they are off to fuck up the Consult once and for all. So, let's have a round of applause for our beloved Aspect-Emperor and the Great Ordeal, ladies and gentlemen! <sustained cheering and applause> Thanks, folks! I'm gonna take a short break and be back in a few. Thank you all very much! <exits amid applause>.


Hey, here I am! <applause> So, the Judges, after administering a mild flaying, are allowing me to return for a second set! <hoots, hollers> Tell you what, folks, I won't be sitting down for about two weeks, but hey, that's showbiz! <renewed applause and chants of "Zorro! Zorro!"> Thank you! Truly, thank you so much. Hey, when the fucking world is about to end, what's a little discomfort? Am I right?

So......Kellhus, right? Gone, gone, gone. Way the fuck up North where the Sranc and the Bashrag do roam, and the Consult are cooking up yet another batch of No-God nastiness. What the fuck do they hope to accomplish with that tired bullshit? "TELL...ME....WHAT...." Oh, shut the fuck up, you clueless windbag. We are so fucking tired of that idiotic fucking question, you spinning piece of shit. Folks, as I stand before you tonight, I swear that I kneel and pray every fucking night that Kellhus kicks the living shit out of the fucking No-God! <thunderous applause> That's right! When Kellhus hears that dumbass question, Kellhus is just gonna smile and say, "What do I see? I see a stupid piece of shit that is about to be TOTALLY FUCKED!" <audience goes wild; chants of "Kellhus! Kellhus!", etc.> Then...hold on, folks...then he is going to cast the Mother Of All Cants. This Cant will be so bad-ass that everyone within five leagues will be shitting little green marbles for about two months. This fucking Cant......well, I'm not a sorcerer, but my guess is that the fucking No-God will shrink to the size of a anpoi bowl and Kellhus will stuff that shit-disturbing jackass in a nice, cozy little snowglobe! <laughter, more applause> Keep spinning, dumbshit!

So....yeah, that'll be that! Maybe the world doesn't end. That'd be nice, right? Kellhus saves the day. Anyway, he's gone, gone, gone up North. Gone, but not gone, huh? Isn't it a trip how Kellhus just.....shows up? I mean, you could be at home,  reading Ajencis.....or something <laughter>, or screwing your wife....or your girlfriend <more laughter>....or, you know, your wife's girlfriend. All of the sudden, there's a little, teeny, tiny light in the room. gets bigger, until....TA DA!  It's Kellhus! You're scrambling around trying to get dressed or whatever, and Kellhus....just watches you. Little smile on his mug, then just as you get your shit back together, Kellhus says, "Sorry, dude. Wrong house.", and fucking disappears. Fucking bastard. Hey, it'd be a helluva thing if Kellhus showed up here tonight, right? Sitting right there, front row, heckling the holy crap outta me. "Heard it before." "Saw that one coming, Zorro." Every bit I start, he'd butt in with the finisher. In the fucking awesome scary voice he uses when it's serious business. Totally fuck up my act. You cannot, you CANNOT compete with the K. So, I'd be dying up here. And when we comics die, you know what happens to us, right? Off and away to the Outside, so fucking Ajokli can kick us around like footballs for eternity. Nice. Thanks, K. Way to help a brother out. Now go back to Golgotterdammerung or wherever and DO YOUR FUCKING JOB! FUCK UP THE CONSULT! <wild applause> C'mon, people, say it with me! FUCK THE CONSULT! FUCK THE CONSULT! FUCK THE CONSULT! <audience chants with Zorro> That's right! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! GOOD NIGHT! <leaves stage to tumultuous applause>

(to be continued...and amended, polished, improved, disproved, and reproved as needed)

General Earwa / Self acclaimed grammar police
« on: April 17, 2017, 02:24:00 am »
After seeing the game of thrones show go to shit in 2 seasons I don't think I would want to see a PON show. Plus they would Norsirai-wash everyone which would take the eastern feel of the series.

Nah think of it this way. The show isn't for the fans. its to raise capital to support Bakker writing more Earwa and other stories. Even if it becomes a clusterfuck after 1 episode, the sale of the rights would have raised enough capital to produce at LEAST 1 more book, if not a whole trilogy.

You, the original fan, lose nothing - but gain the world.
If a fan was tempted and saw it..... They will 100% lose their soul.

Fixed Wilshire's grammar.....cause it was buggin' me! (Yeah, I'm THAT guy.......)

General Misc. / Re-animation of dead threads; damnable?
« on: March 31, 2017, 11:13:07 pm »
I think I may have found my calling as a necromancer specializing in the re-animation of dead threads. Would this be damnable, or just annoying as hell?

OK, unfortunately I don't have TGO at hand, but I found myself completely at sea at the end of TGO. Bakker is shifting back and forth from the scene with Kellhus, Esmi, Kelmomas, and the Narindar to the scene with P-splat-ma (h/t to another denizen of the TSA forum...), Kellhus, Meppa and Malowebi.

My question: is the narrative timeline linear? IIRC, Kellhus finishes the battle with Meppa and then grabs Malowebi, who asks, "What are you?" Kellhus responds, "Weary." Then Bakker shifts to the final scene in the palace, then shifts back to the creation of Malowebi 2.0. Anyone have a clue about the actual order of events?

BTW, if my Android device doesn't cease auto-correcting Bakker's name to "Banker", someone is getting a very stern letter....

Introduce Yourself / Hello!
« on: February 12, 2017, 07:23:58 pm »
Hi! I've been a frequent guest for quite awhile, and I thought it would be a good time to join, what with TUC on its way in a few months.

I stumbled on PoN maybe around the time TTT was published (2006). Looking back, I was intrigued by the multiple POVs and the general world-building. Now, six books into the Slog, the damn thing is so damn BIG.

Thanks for establishing this forum. I was never on Westeros or 3Cs, and this whole thing is new to me. But I think I'm up to speed on etiquette.


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