Atrocious Tales: Episode I

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SkiesOfAzel

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« on: March 20, 2014, 12:06:09 am »
This is NOT an attempt at literature of any kind what so ever, i just wrote it for fun. English isn't my native language so any input in spelling or grammar is welcome :).

Atrocious Tales: Episode I


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there was a medium sized solar system. In this solar system there was a beautiful blue planet orbiting the sun. The planet looked a lot like Earth, but it was called Earwa. It was a planet inhabited by a species of great promise that resembled apes without the fur. They wore cloths instead. And they called themselves Human which in our language translates to human.

Donít be fooled by the similarities though, the Earwans were actual aliens, you only have to look at their achievements to be convinced. They managed to abolish violence, hunger, social and racial discrimination, pollution and disease. They even got rid of their bankers and lawyers. There were no borders or countries and no monetary system. Material goods could be replicated easily and everyone had access to whatever he needed. Repetitive administrative tasks were carried out by computers and the rest was decided through voting.

Earwans had it pretty great, and been the generous aliens they were, they decided to share their prosperity with the Cosmos. So they built their spaceships, trained their crews and set out to space. What they discovered shocked them to their core. Most other alien species had made a mess of it, war, hunger, greed, along with the classic pair of doom and destruction.

Not everything was bad though. They had found allies in their quest, creatures of reason and pure intellect! They were space elves, civilized to a fault, advanced in science and art, long living and wise. They were also obnoxious, condescending little bitches and they all shared the worst haircut that had ever been conceived. A haircut that offends. The Earwans though wouldn't let this opportunity pass them by because of a few minor details, so they decided to send their best.

His name was Kirk. He was a cool guy and a master of hair products. He made a lot of progress with the space elves, but he didnít manage to convince them to remove their heads out of their bums or fire their barbers. They told him itís warm and cozy in there, and that his brain was too small to process the perfection on top of their heads. Kirk also liked space booze and alien wenches a little too much, so he was eventually recalled home to retire.

Their next attempt was captain Pickard. Captain Jean Luke Picard to be exact. Picard was a very nice fellow but he had some issues. His name was French and his accent English, so everyone made fun of him. Thatís why he was overeager to prove himself to the eyes of his people. He went out there and after a few close calls and some not so few polarity reversals he actually did it. He solve every problem in the universe. And this is when the Earwans discovered that the only unsolvable problem is not having any problems.

It crept slowly at first so no one took notice. In the following years, concern started to gradually arise but the majority thought it was a passing thing. Still, the situation kept getting from bad to worse and finally the Earwans were forced to admit that this was too much. They had to do something or be bored to death. People started forming clubs and then creating larger groups in search of new hobbies. For a time, hope returned on Earwa.

Then, a growing part of the population got the idea that lower body re-orientation through teleportation  could produce some fun results. Sure, it was weird, but Earwans were a tolerant folk. Soon after, members of the same group opinionated that two penises are clearly better than one and six might be the magic number for boobs. That got the attention of the others, but everyone still agreed that this group was not as bad as the hipsters, so they let it pass. When Japanese porn became the number one imported good though, the rest of the Earwans knew that the danger to their fronts (and behinds) was very real, they had to act now or start investing in lube.

By now, the Earwans had been separated to 7 tribes, according to common hobbies and interests. The Religious, who were warning everyone from the start that God would crush them in his righteous fury for allowing these depravities to happen, summoned the rest of the tribes to a council.  There were a lot of talks about the pits of Hell, the merits of recreational use of certain herbs, how three penises might actually be even better than two and plenty of other nonsense. After what seemed like forever, those of them that were still conscious decided that maybe this was a bad idea after all. The only thing the tribes managed to agree on was putting the matter to a vote. The Hippies were too preoccupied testing their theory about herbs and the Hipsters didn't want to conform. Still, the four other tribes combined were more numerous than their horny brethren, so they won.

The Lovers had a choice. They would either have to be content with only one penis and two boobs, or leave the planet and preferably the galaxy. They packed in a hurry. When their airships launched to space, the six remaining tribes let out a collective sigh of relief. Little did they know that their troubles were far from over.

With the distraction of the Lovers gone, the constant criticism of the Hipster tribe became too much to bear. The Geek tribe decided they couldnít take any more bitching about their beloved technology so they gathered their things and moved to another continent. They named it Eanna and sealed it with a dome, so no Hipster could ever get in. With the Geek tribe gone, the Hipsters turned their attention to their other brethren. In less than a year they had the whole continent to themselves. The only people left behind beside themselves, were a few  Hippies that were too stoned to move with the rest of their tribe. When they sobered up to find themselves alone with the Hipsters, they experienced true horror for the first time. Unfortunately this was just the beginning of their torment.

The Hipsters on the other hand were ecstatic. Left alone, they didn't have to conform to technology, color, pants, hair, or even the sun. They begun wearing black robes and shaving their heads. They also moved underground to be closer to mother Earwa. Since they didn't want to conform to manual labor either, they took the Hippies with them and tried breeding them for work. That proved to be an almost impossible task at first, till someone suggested a more effective strategy. Only working Hippies were allowed access to herbs and guitars at the end of each day. That did the trick.

While Hipsters were contemplating that Man might be too conformist a term, Geeks were having the time of their lives. Without the Hipsters busting their balls every time they wanted to push a button, they let themselves run wild. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and apparently sometimes they end with a nuclear winter. Not all was bad for the five tribes though. Their cities were gone, their technological advancements leveled to the ground, society had ceased to exist and most of the population was dead. Still, this proved once and for all that the Geeks knew their nuclear shelters, or as they told the other four tribes ďAlways look at the bright side of lifeĒ.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2014, 05:42:22 pm by SkiesOfAzel »

Alia

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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2014, 06:22:41 am »
I loved the story (well, perhaps because I subscribe to the Geek tribe), it's really funny. A small correction, though, if you don't mind - it's "a lot", not "allot".
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom - William Blake

Madness

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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2014, 09:12:16 am »
I enjoyed that, SOA. I laughed out loud at Kirk. I grew up watching (reruns) of the original Trek.
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SkiesOfAzel

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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2014, 02:42:00 pm »
When i was in my twenties, i visited a friend of mine for a few days. I didn't have any books with me and i was bored. She had a series of TSR novels which i usually avoid like the plague. It was this or nothing though, so i gave it a go. It's called the Death's Gate Cycle, and while it was as cheese as i expected, it had a few redeeming qualities. Nice sense of humor, including the best Gandalf parody i've ever seen and one other thing. While it started as a fantasy series, it turned out to be sci-fi after all.

 Maybe it's because Death's Gate has shaped my preconceptions, but i've always thought that the SA isn't fantasy at all. I mean Earwa? Cummon, at least try a little harder with the names! Earwa is Earth in a very distant future. The Non Men and the Inchies are mutated humans and the Earth has become sentient. So while this piece is a parody, the general idea is something i believe might actually stand.

I loved the story (well, perhaps because I subscribe to the Geek tribe), it's really funny. A small correction, though, if you don't mind - it's "a lot", not "allot".

Thanks allot for your feedback ;D. I am glad you enjoyed it. I would subscribe myself to more than one tribe, probably all of them except the Religious. I am just not a fan. Btw, i was very sad to read about your troubles with the Baron, i hope you've gotten rid of him by now.

I enjoyed that, SOA. I laughed out loud at Kirk. I grew up watching (reruns) of the original Trek.

The thing with parody is that in order to make it funny for the readers, they must be able to catch the references. Star Trek was the only widely popular sci fi where Man has managed to build a utopia, so it was an easy choice. Still, while the Kirk and Vulcan jokes are easy to get for most readers, the reverse the polarity bit is targeted to the true geek out there that has watched a lot of Next Generation episodes.

Btw, did anyone get the teleportation reference ?

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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2014, 03:03:38 pm »
I enjoyed that, SOA. I laughed out loud at Kirk. I grew up watching (reruns) of the original Trek.

The thing with parody is that in order to make it funny for the readers, they must be able to catch the references. Star Trek was the only widely popular sci fi where Man has managed to build a utopia, so it was an easy choice. Still, while the Kirk and Vulcan jokes are easy to get for most readers, the reverse the polarity bit is targeted to the true geek out there that has watched a lot of Next Generation episodes.

Btw, did anyone get the teleportation reference ?

Lol transporter from Trek? The Fly?
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SkiesOfAzel

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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2014, 03:16:41 pm »
Lol transporter from Trek? The Fly?

Damn, i knew i should have phrased that part better. You definitely know the source, it's from Spaceballs (which is one of my favorite parodies btw). There is a scene where the president of the evil empire (the man himself, Mel Brooks) is offered by his secretary to be beamed up to his office. He seems a little reluctant at first, but then the secretary informs him that Snoty beamed her twice yesterday and that it was wonderful :P. So Mel somewhat more reassured after this little speech decides to take the plunge. He enters the teleporter device just fine, but when he comes out of it his ass is in front instead of behind. The best part was that his office was one door away from the room he was before.

Alia

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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2014, 04:43:00 pm »
Now that you've mentioned it, of course, I remember that scene   :)
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom - William Blake

Madness

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« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2014, 08:47:17 pm »
Love Spaceballs.

Mel Brooks is awesome.
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