The Greatest Eärwan Stand-Up Comedy Routine EVER!

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BeardFisher-King

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« on: April 26, 2017, 02:55:35 pm »
What follows is a imaginary stand-up routine performed in Eärwa during the events chronicled in The Aspect-Emperor series. All chatter, chit-chat, commentary, conversation, controversy, criticism are welcome. The routine will be regularly amended, augmented, demented, and re-invented.

* * * UPDATED MAY 14, 2017! * * *
(yes, on Mothers' Day....for all you muthas)

"And now, fresh from a weekend engagement in Sumna, please give a warm, Momemn welcome to....ZORRO! Zöreius Öenghûs, everybody! <hoots, hollers, etc.>

Thanks! Thank you very much. Caste-nobles and....ladies  <guffaws and snickering> now, now, boys! How are things in Momemn? <sustained cheering> Boy, am I glad to be here in Momemn tonight. I was just in Sumna , down the road a few leagues.....anyone here from Sumna? You are, sir? Lemme ask you a question. Why is anyone still in Sumna? I gotta tell ya, best thing about Sumna was leaving that sorry shitpile. What was that? Your family still lives there? Well, I'm sure parts of it are nice. Hey, maybe it was me. I spent the whole weekend chugging anpoi and snorting Qirri, so.....I mean, holy fucking Consult, at one point I could have sworn I saw the fucking No-God himself. Turns out some asshat had spilled a baggie of Qirri, and the wind was swirling the shit around in the air. Scared the fuck outta me. Can you imagine? I even thought I heard the fucker speak! You know, "TELL....ME ....WHAT ... DO.....YOU.....SEE?" How the fuck do you even start to answer that fucking question? When you're higher than the fucking Nail of Heaven? Bombed off your ass on anpoi and Nonman dust? Fffuuuuuuck..... "What do I see? I see the inside of my fucking eyelids, you scary fuck. Go the fuck away." Sweet Sejenus, I'm hallucinating the fucking No-God, plus I'm hearing the whole million-voices thing. I gotta chalk that up to the Qirri. I must have scored a bad batch. Must have been cut with Sranc. Yeah, you guys over there know what I'm talking about. That Sranc dust......when you snort that shit, you get all kinds of hyped up! You're going like "What's that? What's that? What was that? Who are you? What are you? Who? What?" Fucking exhausting. Straight Qirri.....the best. You feel like you could rebuild Sauglish on your lunch break and never break a sweat. Steady Eddie, not a worry in the Three Seas. Only thing, if you do too much....you can't remember a single thing that you did. Which can be a good thing.

Anyway, where was I? Right, all sranced-up on bogus Qirri and hallucinating the fucking No-God himself. End of the fucking world. I'm thinking, "Where the fuck is that fucker Kellhus?" Right? I mean, he would know what the fuck to do. Scary motherfucker. The Baddest of the Bad. Comes striding in with those two fucking HEADS on his belt. You ladies know what Super K is saying with those fuckers: "That ain't all I got hanging down there, darlings." Arrogant bastard. Dûnyain. Dûûûnnnnyain. They look at you, tell you what you had for breakfast fifty years ago. You play poker with a Dûnyain, you might as well toss your fucking wallet on the table and leave. And hey, you introduce a Dûnyain like Kellhus to your wife, you might as well introduce yourself to a good divorce lawyer. Utterly devious pricks. And master bullshitters. Look at Kellhus.  Wanders out of the North umpteen years ago, which nobody does. Hanging with a Scylvendi, which nobody does. Spins everyone a tale about how he's a Prince from Atrithau. Well, who the fuck knows one single fucking thing about Atrithau? It's not like anyone can do a fucking background check on the guy. I mean, who you gonna ask? The fucking Sranc? "Excuse me, Mr. Sranc, I hate to interrupt you while you're fucking that dead yak, but I'm trying to trace a guy name of Kellhus. Says he's from Atrithau?" No fucking way. So, a genius line of bullshit. Well, you know the rest. Takes over the Holy War, kicks Kianene ass, kicks Cishaurim ass; fuck, he kicks everyone's ass. Becomes Aspect-Emperor, whatever the fuck that means. Then the Unification Wars, also known as the Get Onboard Or Get Fucked Wars. Now, look, I've been having some fun here with His Supremeness. Maybe a little irreverent, maybe borderline-blasphemous. Any Judges in the audience tonight? A couple? Hey, I'm Zorro the fucking clown, OK? But absolutely NO disrespect. NONE. Hey, as I stand here with my hair on fire doing my thing, our Aspect-Emperor is leading the Great Ordeal, without a doubt the most serious collection of terrifying motherfuckers ever seen in the Three Seas, and they are off to fuck up the Consult once and for all. So, let's have a round of applause for our beloved Aspect-Emperor and the Great Ordeal, ladies and gentlemen! <sustained cheering and applause> Thanks, folks! I'm gonna take a short break and be back in a few. Thank you all very much! <exits amid applause>.

SECOND SET

Hey, here I am! <applause> So, the Judges, after administering a mild flaying, are allowing me to return for a second set! <hoots, hollers> Tell you what, folks, I won't be sitting down for about two weeks, but hey, that's showbiz! <renewed applause and chants of "Zorro! Zorro!"> Thank you! Truly, thank you so much. Hey, when the fucking world is about to end, what's a little discomfort? Am I right?

So......Kellhus, right? Gone, gone, gone. Way the fuck up North where the Sranc and the Bashrag do roam, and the Consult are cooking up yet another batch of No-God nastiness. What the fuck do they hope to accomplish with that tired bullshit? "TELL...ME....WHAT...." Oh, shut the fuck up, you clueless windbag. We are so fucking tired of that idiotic fucking question, you spinning piece of shit. Folks, as I stand before you tonight, I swear that I kneel and pray every fucking night that Kellhus kicks the living shit out of the fucking No-God! <thunderous applause> That's right! When Kellhus hears that dumbass question, Kellhus is just gonna smile and say, "What do I see? I see a stupid piece of shit that is about to be TOTALLY FUCKED!" <audience goes wild; chants of "Kellhus! Kellhus!", etc.> Then...hold on, folks...then he is going to cast the Mother Of All Cants. This Cant will be so bad-ass that everyone within five leagues will be shitting little green marbles for about two months. This fucking Cant......well, I'm not a sorcerer, but my guess is that the fucking No-God will shrink to the size of a anpoi bowl and Kellhus will stuff that shit-disturbing jackass in a nice, cozy little snowglobe! <laughter, more applause> Keep spinning, dumbshit!

So....yeah, that'll be that! Maybe the world doesn't end. That'd be nice, right? Kellhus saves the day. Anyway, he's gone, gone, gone up North. Gone, but not gone, huh? Isn't it a trip how Kellhus just.....shows up? I mean, you could be at home,  reading Ajencis.....or something <laughter>, or screwing your wife....or your girlfriend <more laughter>....or, you know, your wife's girlfriend. All of the sudden, there's a little, teeny, tiny light in the room. Then....it gets bigger, until....TA DA!  It's Kellhus! You're scrambling around trying to get dressed or whatever, and Kellhus....just watches you. Little smile on his mug, then just as you get your shit back together, Kellhus says, "Sorry, dude. Wrong house.", and fucking disappears. Fucking bastard. Hey, it'd be a helluva thing if Kellhus showed up here tonight, right? Sitting right there, front row, heckling the holy crap outta me. "Heard it before." "Saw that one coming, Zorro." Every bit I start, he'd butt in with the finisher. In the fucking awesome scary voice he uses when it's serious business. Totally fuck up my act. You cannot, you CANNOT compete with the K. So, I'd be dying up here. And when we comics die, you know what happens to us, right? Off and away to the Outside, so fucking Ajokli can kick us around like footballs for eternity. Nice. Thanks, K. Way to help a brother out. Now go back to Golgotterdammerung or wherever and DO YOUR FUCKING JOB! FUCK UP THE CONSULT! <wild applause> C'mon, people, say it with me! FUCK THE CONSULT! FUCK THE CONSULT! FUCK THE CONSULT! <audience chants with Zorro> That's right! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! GOOD NIGHT! <leaves stage to tumultuous applause>

(to be continued...and amended, polished, improved, disproved, and reproved as needed)

« Last Edit: May 15, 2017, 12:52:30 am by Beardfisher King »
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

Redeagl

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« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 04:14:05 pm »
Hey,hey! Did somebody delete my post?! Have the courage, anonymous person,to face me first.
Edit: apperantly the whole thread was deleted. Not just my post. Sorry,anonymous person.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 04:29:29 pm by Redeagl »
“The thoughts of all men arise from the darkness. If you are the movement of your soul, and the cause of that movement precedes you, then how could you ever call your thoughts your own? How could you be anything other than a slave to the darkness that comes before?”

- Chronicler of the Chroniclers

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 04:57:15 pm »
No problem, Redeagl. I had some difficulties in transferring my stand-up routine to its new home, and your post was, alas, collateral damage. To modify an apocryphal (I hope) quotation attributed to the U.S. Army during the Vietnam War, we had to destroy the thread to save the thread. We regret the error.
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2017, 05:33:16 pm »
Hey, Redeagl (and any other interested Forum members), I need a good name for the comedian delivering this classic routine. As originally written, I used my own moniker, but the talented, albeit quite profane, performer deserves an Eärwan name.
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2017, 06:43:47 pm »
Oh, and the thread title? Over the top?
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

Wilshire

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« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2017, 09:39:21 pm »
Keep it coming. Though the first Act was better ;). Great job though lol.
One of the other conditions of possibility.

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2017, 09:59:31 pm »
The only defining characteristic I've given my comedian is that he's not a rustic and not a Northerner. Maybe a Nansurian Empire subject? If so, I've got a possible name in my back pocket. Regardless....... I am starting a......

*** CONTEST!!! ***


Yes, I'm putting out an OPEN CALL for submissions to "Name That Comic!". If a winner emerges, the prize will be an evening of unlimited Paper Planes! Unfortunately, you must either travel to St. Louis to collect, or corral me at a future TSA meet-up. But the offer is good. If you don't like Paper Planes.....perhaps a substitute can be conjured up. The tap water in St. Louis is particularly good.

GOOD LUCK!
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2017, 10:03:23 pm »
Keep it coming. Though the first Act was better ;). Great job though lol.

Thanks for the constructive criticism, W.
<mutters, "The first act was better..." as eyes and mouth begin to glow >
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2017, 10:24:52 pm »
Hey, Wilshire, how 'bout the image of Kellhus teleporting into random houses, watching the denizens freak out, and when they calm down, saying, "Sorry. Wrong house." and disappearing? That's quality work, there.

Oh, but the first act is better.......<more muttering...>  ;)
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

Wilshire

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« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2017, 11:09:46 pm »
That was the best bit of the second act ;) . Far more talent then I could ever muster, to be sure. I'm not comedically inclined. I like to say that I have a very 'dry' sense of humor - which is a nice way of saying  'I'm not funny'.
One of the other conditions of possibility.

Redeagl

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« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2017, 11:31:35 pm »
That was the best bit of the second act ;) . Far more talent then I could ever muster, to be sure. I'm not comedically inclined. I like to say that I have a very 'dry' sense of humor - which is a nice way of saying  'I'm not funny'.
Put some water on your sense of humor then.
“The thoughts of all men arise from the darkness. If you are the movement of your soul, and the cause of that movement precedes you, then how could you ever call your thoughts your own? How could you be anything other than a slave to the darkness that comes before?”

- Chronicler of the Chroniclers

Redeagl

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« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2017, 11:32:59 pm »
Oh and BFK, those are awesome :) 
ETA: I am dying,lmao. Now I need to prepare some PUNS....
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 11:39:37 pm by Redeagl »
“The thoughts of all men arise from the darkness. If you are the movement of your soul, and the cause of that movement precedes you, then how could you ever call your thoughts your own? How could you be anything other than a slave to the darkness that comes before?”

- Chronicler of the Chroniclers

Redeagl

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« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2017, 11:41:43 pm »
"TELL...ME...WHAT...DO...YOU..." Oh, shut the fuck up, you clueless windbag. We are so fucking tired of that idiotic fucking question, you spinning piece of shit."
WHAT and Ampere.
“The thoughts of all men arise from the darkness. If you are the movement of your soul, and the cause of that movement precedes you, then how could you ever call your thoughts your own? How could you be anything other than a slave to the darkness that comes before?”

- Chronicler of the Chroniclers

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2017, 12:21:28 am »
Thanks, Wilshire. Sometimes you gotta stumble around in the weeds for awhile before you find the golf ball.

"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

TaoHorror

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« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2017, 02:11:13 pm »
Very funny and instructive as well! I've been off the forum for a while and had this long post I was going to make, but this made me throw it away - you said it all, my friend. That and I'm bit insecure due to the obviously superior minds posting in this thing. So many of you understand these books much more than I have.
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