The Lost Zorro Transcriptions

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BeardFisher-King

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« on: December 04, 2017, 08:05:56 pm »
What follows is the first of a collection of fragments that are apparently a transcription of a performance by legendary comic Zōreius Öenghūs. It is believed that the  transcriber was none other than Drusas Achamian and that the performance occurred during the Holy War's march to Shimeh.

*  *  *  *  *  *  FRAGMENT THE FIRST  *  *  *  *  *  *

.....and Holy Hades, you should have seen the look on Proyas's face! Priceless!

Anyway, where was I? Right, right, the Vulgar Holy War. Almighty God, what a bunch of stupid fuck-ups! "Yeah, we bad! Fanim's gonna be skeered of us! Yeah, boy!!" Fucking whacked by the Fanim. Literally whacked, right? Chop, chop, chop...."Hey, who needs a head? Coming up!" You gotta love their style, too. Sending the heads of the Three Stooges back to the Emperor. "Hey, boss, here are yo boys...."

[...to be continued]
« Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 10:48:19 pm by BeardFisher-King »
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

TaoHorror

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« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2017, 12:49:31 pm »
please, continue!
Remember to brush before bed

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2017, 01:13:55 pm »
*  *  *  FRAGMENT THE SECOND  *  *  * 

......[the] most ridiculous pair since, I don't know, those two demons or whatever ol' Drusas over there keeps us all awake about all fucking night. You guys know what I mean. It's fucking 3am, and you wake up to this ungodly screaming. It's Achamian, right on schedule, hollering about O-racks and O-rang.....what was that? Are you heckling me now, Akka? What? Oh, Aurax and Aurang? Let me clue you in, you sorcerous fuck, this is not a Mandate lecture tour. This is fucking stand-up comedy, and I hired your fucking ass to write this shit down, not to correct my fucking grammar! <laughter and applause>...... <sotto voce>....hey guys, tell me, is he laughing? If his eyes start glowing, warn me, alright? <aloud> Hey, Akka, I'm just fooling around, right? No offense, etc. All respect to your sorcerous ass <turns and spits>. Seriously, please don't fuck me up with one of those fucking Cants. Working with a sorceror....what a genius idea that was. I pissed him off last week, and ever since then, I've had this burning sensation in my johnson. Although, to be fair, that might be due to that Nilmaneshi chick I was seeing.....

[...fragment ends....]
« Last Edit: December 05, 2017, 04:39:17 pm by BeardFisher-King »
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

TaoHorror

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« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2017, 01:47:08 pm »
Cheers, claps, laughs!
Remember to brush before bed

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2017, 03:06:47 pm »
Interpolating a little bit of the Don Rickles approach in that last bit, Tao. Risky business, poking a sorcerer...
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson

ThoughtsOfThelli

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« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2017, 05:24:44 pm »
Very funny so far, BFK. :D Looking forward to more!
"But you’ve simply made the discovery that Thelli made—only without the benefit of her unerring sense of fashion."
-Kayūtas (TGO)

BeardFisher-King

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« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2017, 01:26:18 pm »
*  *  * FRAGMENT THE THIRD *  *  *

[NB: This fragment would appear to precede the second fragment)

....thanks, thank you! Nice crowd tonight! Just want to say again what a privilege it is to open for Prince Kellhus tonight as he continues his Imprompta Tour. <applause>. The Prince and his retinue will be along in a few minutes; right now, it's just me, Zorro, and my scribe, the....illustrious Drusas Achamian <dead silence>.....whoa, tough room! Folks, he's a great guy! Yes, a sorcerer....<hisses>, but still....look at him over there, giving me the ol' stink-eye. Please, folks, a nice round of applause for our esteemed scribe, or your humble servant Zorro here is liable to be crapping his gown right here on stage <smattering of applause>. Thank you, thank you, that just might stay the good man's wrath.

Folks, I'm happy to say that the Scylvendi won't be able to join us tonight. He's scouting, or hunting, or pissed off, or who knows what. So we won't have to deal with his scowling and spitting and generally crappy attitude tonight. <laughter>. Kellhus and the Scylvendi.....the Odd Couple! What a ridiculous pair! One guy is as smooth as silk, the other guy rougher than a dressing-down by Marshal Xinemus! How did this pair ever hook up? Strange days....and getting stranger.

[end of fragment]
"The heart of any other, because it has a will, would remain forever mysterious."

-from "Snow Falling On Cedars", by David Guterson