Found! Fragments of the fabled Lost Epic Achamian Repudiation Rant!

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BeardFisher-King

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« on: May 02, 2018, 02:37:42 am »
The noted archeological team of Nwan Ns and Khan Tri Membr claim to have found fragments that may constitute what is considered to be the Holy Grail of Erwan comedy, the Epic Achamian Repudiation Rant, by Zreius enghs. Transcription is proceeding. WARNING: Strong Language.

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[......what] the fuck do you think being a comic is like? Put it this way: the pay is like your dick. Insufficient and unsatisfying..... <uproarious laughter and sustained applause>.....I mean, why heckle me? Really, why?.....<long pause....audience gets silent>..... Comics, fuck......it's a dog's life, really. Trying to entertain, trying to be funny, trying to keep you fuckers laughing, trying to keep working, trying to get paid......Trying, yeah, that's the word! It's trying! Really, I'm at the end of my fucking rope, here.....<scattered laughter>.....Oh, now I'm funny, huh?.....You all wear me the fuck out....You know who I feel like?....<silence, then scattered shouts of "Achamian!".....That's marvelous, three guys. Folks, that was what we in showbiz call a cue. Once again, you know who I feel like?...<shouts of "Achamian!>...I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL LIKE?....<audience roars, "ACHAMIAN!">.....I feel just like Drusas Achamian when he repudiated the Aspect-Emperor....<cheers, laughter, applause>

Now, folks, you all remember that during the Holy War, I had the good fortune to be embedded in the contingent that contained Kellhus and Achamian, and that the noted Achamian even transcribed some of my performances. So, I got to know the guy a little. Well, as you also know, no one version of the Epic Achamian Repudiation Rant exists. Some say he said this, some say he said that, yadda yadda yadda. Well, without further ado, here's my take on what went down:

<ZO begins pacing back and forth>..."You fucker. You absolute bastard. You fucking Dnyain piece of crap. Hey, stay the fuck away from me, you motherfuckers, I have just kicked the ass of a Ciphrang and trust me, you do NOT want to fuck with me right now. That's right, just stand where you are, people, and listen up."

"Well, here we are. I mean, here YOU are. Where was I? I wasn't here, was I? Anybody miss me? Anybody fucking LOOK for me? Did anyone, anyone at all here give one single good goddamn where I was? Fuck no. Why the fuck would you? YOU WON! And what do winners do? They have a big fucking party like you assholes are having right fucking now. Well, you know what? I FUCKING WON, TOO! I could, right now, be in possession of the baddest, I mean the BADDEST bitch of a Ciphrang the Three Seas has ever seen. Except I was so fucking black-out-rage insane fighting the motherfucker that I don't believe there's enough of it left to fill a fucking anpoi bowl. By the way, you're off the hook, Iyokus. At least there's one Ciphrang that won't be chewing on your balls for eternity. Hey, Iyokus, I'm over here! Somebody point him in the right direction, please. Nice to SEE you, Yoke. Glad to SEE you survived. You about done sending Ciphrang to harass my ass? Word of advice to you, Yoke: Keep a low profile. Because believe me, you give me any more shit--but, hey, at least you'll never see it coming! You could be dead right now, except I just love the idea of you bumbling and stumbling around for the rest of your life. You'll be wandering around, bumping into people, saying "Are you Achamian? Anybody seen Achamian? Where's Achamian?" I'll be around, Yoke, don't worry."

"Hey, there's Nautzera! My peeps! Mandati!! My shit-stupid School! You stupid motherfuckers. Thank God this Dnyain prick Kellhus came along, huh? "Where's the Consult? Where's the Consult?" The Big Question, right,  Nautzera? News flash, boss: The Consult is standing RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR SORRY ASS! Open your fucking eyes. I swear, you couldn't find a Consult skin-spy if it was fucking you in the ass. Well, I am well and truly done with you and your bullshit. No more fucking Cants of Calling from you, Nautzera! The number you are trying to reach is no longer in service, you got it? Return to fucking sender, address unknown. Over and fucking out of here. Mandate......fucking rename the school "Ingrate". No goddamn thanks, no goddamn help. Get the fuck out of my face."

[.....to be continued....]
« Last Edit: May 02, 2018, 11:56:16 am by BeardFisher-King »
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