[What Came Before]

Story #97 Mon

First time I saw her, I couldn't believe a girl this gorgeous was in porn. I touched myself as I watched her touch herself. Must have come in half the usual time - she was just that fucking hot, smiling mischievously in between her moans - meaning I had another ten minutes in this out of the way stall before the end of lunch. Scrolling on my phone one handed, I read her hobbies - saw she wanted to be a nurse. She said she was a comic fan, blew that off until I saw some tweets of hers one Friday night. Ended up talking to her about Batman for a bit.

Thought about asking her what a girl so beautiful was doing at home on a Friday, but didn't want to be one of those guys. She probably had a boyfriend or something. Some body builder, Hollywood stuntman type guy you know?

Actually paid for a month subscription to her site. I wasn't one of those losers who thinks they are really involved with the girl, the ones who pay for the used panties and shit. I never said anything other than "Beautiful photos" or "Sexy vid". Tons of guys got banned during the weekly chats, and tons more got ignored. Did they really think she needed to be told how they wanted to pound the shit of her pussy, how she was their dream girl, how she was one of five girls whose asses they'd ever consider eating out?

(One guy even mentioned how two of the girls on his "A list" were dead, meaning she was in his "living top three".)

I just talked to her about comics, video games - just like we were two friends hanging out. Treated her like a person. And when the month was done I didn't renew, figured I didn't want to start thinking of her as my girlfriend. Tweeted her once or twice, got ignored, figured that's cool. Thought about tweeting her about why I didn't renew my account, how I didn't want to be one of those ass-eating stalker types, but I wasn't sure how that'd go over so I let it be.

Five years later, I'm watching a vid and here she is again...only different. Wasn't even expecting her, was just rubbing a quick one out to this new girl, Crystal - some random ass former Playboy model engineering student I googled and clicked on "lesbian" something. She's in the scene with this Crystal Somebody, but her boobs are plastic - I mean obviously plastic. Her ribs - I can count those fuckers easy. Ass is gone. Her face...had those features they give the long time porn stars...the cheeks and lips that make them all look alike.

Then there were her eyes...When she looked into the camera I felt my dick go soft and something slither in my stomach.

Guess she didn't become a nurse. Guess maybe I should have kept my account. Something friends would do for each other.

The thought passes quickly. I only have a few minutes before lunch ends, so I gotta load up another vid of Crystal right quick...

/Story

[What Came Before]

Good points again guys. I really want to try and make the "trick sentence" work, even if only to prove that I can. I also like the idea of almost starting outside of a person's viewpoint; I mean, even though it's technically Jixer that's witnessing it, I wanted it to almost feel like a third-person omniscient description of nature at first, since the surprise (in my mind at least) works better that way.

@Callan
There are themes to an extent, though I generally don't really write with that stuff in mind, at least not in the beginning, as I prefer to let it sort of evolve naturally. The only major one that I can say will definitely be present is the clash between progression/tradition, and the value of certain cultures over others. That could possibly be worked in there though. Regardless I agree that it doesn't grab the way I want it to. Seems a little too mundane maybe.

@Sci

Jixer does know that Lok's there, but the forgetting of his presence is supposed to imply Jixer's focus on what's happening, and it will be a recurring thing with him going into a sort of "trance" when he's using a bow (he's incredibly skilled when doing so, but it comes back to bite him in the ass as well). Definitely agree the pacing is off though. It's weirdly awkward to try and introduce the two characters this way, so I may end up changing it around, but regardless the story almost has to start with those two. Lok is also the type to always seem very calm and collected on the outside, but then once you get inside his head you realize he's sort of a bundle of insecurities (whereas Jixer is somewhat the opposite -- he wears his heart on his sleeve and seems easily offended or even sensitive to others, yet from his point of view I want him to be strangely oblivious to it, almost like an ignorant sort of confidence).

The Rite itself is basically something that all boys at the age of fourteen have to go through, which includes a number of different trials/challenges and so on. Anyone who fails the Rite is castrated and essentially becomes a slave, since they're looked upon as having lost their right to become a man and pass on their seed. This takes place relatively early on, with Jixer and Lok taking theirs together, and Jixer failing while Lok passes (in addition, it's fairly rare for anyone to actually fail, so it's quite a big deal in their clan/village). So, it's obviously a major turning point, and I need to get a lot of it across fairly early, but at the same time I don't want to do an exposition overload (keep in mind also that there are about eight POV characters in total, spanning across two countries, which of course complicates the matter slightly -- I do have a basic summary of all chapters from the first book laid out, but that's always subject to change).

I haven't really started writing it "proper", I'm still trying to finish another draft of my novella before then, but I couldn't help myself from giving it a go since I really want to get into it, having been planning the thing for over a year now basically.

[What Came Before]

Regarding the focusing - one option might be to load up on details on what Lok sees in front of him, centering on the elk that's his target. then, when the trance breaks, a flood of details of what's behind him, the scent of himself and Jixer sweating, concerns he'd pushed out of his mind, maybe some low level hunger/lust he'd temporarily forgotten about.

You don't need to state the flood of details, maybe just suddenly add in descriptions of things in the periphery of his vision and behind him?

[What Came Before]

For Tues, #98, Excerpt from the Parallel Multiverse thread on Planewalker:

Parallel 60 is a Wheel that is difficult to get to, and even more difficult for visitors to remain within. The Wheel continuously pushes to banish parallel walkers to their Wheel of *origin* rather than the last Multiverse they came to Parallel 60 from.

Illithid tadpoles skitter in the pools for the perpetually adolescent "elder brains". Dragons take eons to grow beyond their hatchling stage. Tome Archons are elders in that they are teenagers, as are the Companions along with Morwel and her consorts.

Only the Baern are old enough to take on a mentality of incoming college freshmen. Their evil, the deepest in this Multiverse, is akin to that of bullies and cruel siblings. All other beings fall into younger age groups psychologically, with only non-sentient animals possessing the lifecycles one would expect on Multiverse Prime.

Beings don't bear wounds but developed an increasingly red aura until they finally go to sleep or stasis where they fall. The more wounded you are, the longer it takes for this aura to fade.

Sigil is a city turned play pen with filled with enormous toys that the dabus are continuously making. Visitors who try to interfere with the various moral dramas going on in this Wheel (think after school specials) find there is one adult, and her shadow leaves you with an aura so deep and red that you won't awaken for a thousand years.

There are no undead on this Wheel.

[What Came Before]

Oh, Francis, in case it proves inspirational here's the first, D&D related part of the Echoverse:

Parallel LIX: Where Echoes Terraform the Worlds

It is unclear whether Parallel 59 is in its infancy, or whether the primordial conflicts of Multiverse Prime have dragged on from the Time before Time into the present. Historians are of little help, for in this place even time is beholden to the ever evolving Word.

Planar Common has yet to emerge, though the Rilmani are said to be hard at work creating a language that negates the transformative power of language, a tongue they will then spread across creation.

Instead, what one ends up speaking are derivations and combinations of the Wheel's parent tongues: Dark Speech, the Words of Creation, The Tongue of Law (an attempt at signifying all things through the use of binary strings), Deep Hagunemnon, High Aquan, High Ignan, High Auran, and High Terran.

Each of these languages, when spoken, alters the environment around them not just at the physical level but also the metaphysical - even the true names in the surrounding area are affected. (Wheel Walkers are encouraged to come with an incredible amount of magical protection.)

The Prime Material Plane is a war zone, as exemplars of alignments and elements battle to create Paradise and Perdition. The elemental beings, through the work of the genie empires, have been more willing to grant each other territory, but even they participate in conflicts that leave crystal spheres destroyed or birthed in the iridescent phlogiston.

The power of language in this place has resulted in this Wheel being of high interest to parallel walking spellweavers, who have also noted with curiosity that their species is apparently absent from Parallel 59.

In Sigil the power of the Lady provides some respite for mortals and war weary planar incarnations - the entirety of the city exists under a blanket of perpetual silence.

(and here's that actual thread)

[What Came Before]

Saajan, #97 seems a bit idealistic? Assuming money is needed, how does friendship provide money (granted, in ancient days, friendship probably meant sharing of gathered resources and helping in building mud hut shelters)? Is there more a tradgedy in it doesn't matter what he does? Perhaps even add salt into the wound and say hey, since that's the case, may as well just get on to downloading Crystal?

Also might be fun to switch  "I felt my dick go soft" to  "I felt my clit go soft"

Thought of that because I was going to say something about 'man rescues woman', but I then considered by and large the POV is gender neutral. So might be good to take it right over, twist some expectation of act and role.

Edit: Also it might be cool to make it sound like porn he's downloading, but to eventually reveal it's actually military operation videos - and then latter find her with plastic boobs and sagging limbs because of the reconstructive surgery or such. Drawing a paralel that indicates a system of exploitation.

[What Came Before]

Well the idea behind #97 is more about the illusion of intimacy via the internet. He assumes the other guys are falling for her crafted persona, while he has access to the real person - the comic geek. There's also the false(?) hierarchy, where he's a better guy than the others, where he assumes things about this woman's personality he doesn't really know.

He assumes she "ignores" his tweets because he isn't a customer anymore, disregarding the fact that she possibly never had any idea who he was beyond one more customer.

So it's not just illusion of connection, but this illusion presented as a commodity where one makes false(?) hierarchies based on their level of participation.

That's the point of the last lines, where any sense of remorse is superseded by his need to bust a nut before the end of his lunch break. He doesn't really care, his supposed compassion and remorse are part of the package pornography offers - his feeling bad is evidence of his own goodness, his own "realness" compared to other men. We don't even know the woman's name, the one he had this supposed connection to. We do know the name of the woman he *doesn't* care about, Crystal, that he's using to come in the limited time and cramped setting of a company bathroom.

p.s. I put a (?) after false because I kinda think he is better for not ordering the used panties.

[What Came Before]

I don't know - all intimacy is rather like a high wire act, with a black curtain in between each swing. It takes one party to jump from their swing, and another party to reach out their arms to catch them.. Neither being able to tell whether the other is taking that part. If either doesn't happen to be doing it, it leaves the other looking stupid (assuming there's a net!). So can one knock a reflexive generation of potential understanding? Given the black curtain we all walk around in? It's basically how everyone interacts, internet or not. It's probably why asking someone out is so difficult - it exposes the fallability of that system pretty explicitly.

He assumes she "ignores" his tweets because he isn't a customer anymore, disregarding the fact that she possibly never had any idea who he was beyond one more customer.

Isn't that accurate, then? I actually assumed they had a potentially forfilling connection and he dropped it out of assumption. If he's actually accurate in that she stopped because he's not a customer, well then he's grokked onto the correct fact - he was just one more customer. Seems more like becoming clear headed than disregarding? So much so I assumed the pointedness of the story was becoming clear headed where there was some sort of potential?

He doesn't really care, his supposed compassion and remorse are part of the package pornography offers

Curiously I'd attribute this to most romantic entanglements. How many people are 'with' others, for years, but for a few changes in scenario, would never have gotten together? In one time line, sobbing over a coffin. In another time line, a sad nostalgia at reading an obituary? What's the other package porno offers? That we can neatly judge the guy who had no chance at influencing anything, for his quality? Well, maybe if our judgement wont influence anything either, then again, what difference does it make, I suppose.

[What Came Before]

Well, we will be seeing more of this guy and more on the subject of pornography and sexual fantasy itself. Note also that the story isn't an indictment on porn necessarily -> It's important to note that by paying her for soft core, he thinks he could have saved her from hardcore.

Think of this guy jerking off in a stall as a sometimes unreliable, sometimes poignantly truthful narrator. He thinks she's mad about him canceling his account, more likely someone else handles all the web stuff and she never recalled who he is. In a world where she has at least a hundred customers, how many people does she talk to about comics?

Weds Story #99

"Slowly, slowly...." I grunt as the unicorn horn slides into my anus, the healing magic of its horn negating any damage it does as soon as it happens.

The tip of the horn touches my prostrate, and suddenly the edges of my vision go white with pleasure.

Truly, this is the best blind date I've ever had.

/Story


Thurs Story #100

The contacts click on, and every pattern of every stimulus response is revealed to me. Reality is augmented, with directions on how to locate the G-spot, how to harmonize my tongue with my hands, where to bite and pull and slap and how hard to do these things.

As the moans turn to screams, I really do think my marriage is saved.

/Story

[What Came Before]

Fri #101

Story

Sittin' here tryin' to come up with a story
Something fresh and new, not jizz-stained and corny
Was hoping this rhyme would help, that it'd be inspiring
Cuz the day to day is so damn tiring
But the rhythm is tepid, the flow is not hot - it's only luke warm,
And the sky is overcast by smog and storm
Plus I gotta a hangover though I haven't been drinking
My vice is working for the Man - that's the poison of no choice - that's why I'm sinking
Eyes heavy, dragged down by bags underneath -
But somewhere out there, there's still gotta be Story, like Fievel I just gotta believe...

/Story

[What Came Before]

Hurning, churning, never pent. Gaol of soul, surely rent.
Tithe draw near with tickling bowl,
Purient devour, principle afore end.
Mostly true unrecognised as blend.

Maytook, wither there is no spoon.
Beyond borders foul, taking face encrusted blank as the moon.
Service wroth with plenty fold,
You'll die, but you wont get old.

~~~
Fairly random, I grant. Still, is writing nothing at all even more random? *buh, buh, baaaaah!*

[What Came Before]

Sat #102

Story

Back in the stall, fisting my dick in a grip of work life frustration, feeling splashes of pleasure in the vast darkness beneath my skin, odd pride sighting the sheen of pre-come, euphoria spiking my brain each time I see the shaved lips of a pussy framed by tanned, ample ass cheeks, girl turning back to look over her own gorgeous body staring into (the camera) my eyes with a mischievous smirk on her lips.

I could come quicker if I wasn't fighting the whispers:

Would you want your sister to do this? Your cousin, who has a girl out of wedlock? Your daughter?

Can't the Furies give it a rest long enough for me to do what I need to do? It's just I need to come is all, no need for all these questions of vegan-esque philosophy.

/Story

Sun #103

Story

In the sky beyond, dragons fly over cities, their exhalations turning our tallest sky scrapers to melted glass and slag.

The Elves look back at me, the judges in their gazes asking "Is this what you wanted?".

In reply I lift pebbles with my thoughts, the Truth of Mind over Matter revealed to all the world by sorcery's Return.

They weigh my heart against a feather, and I know they find me wanting. Even their sneers are beautiful. Even their disgust lifts up my heart.

Downwinds deliver the scent of cooking flesh mixed into the stink of civilization's trappings being consigned to the pyre.

Worth it, I tell my conscience. It was worth it, to be pulled back from the cliffs the river of Science delivered us toward.

/Story

[What Came Before]

Alright, I'm going to toss up the short story I wrote for the fantasy writing contest. It's just under 8,000 words. I wrote it in like three days, because the one I had been writing for the contest was awful and I knew there was no chance of me winning. So I just went into super overdrive and launched into this thing. I've yet to do any edits since the first draft, but I'm going to soon. As always, any and all critiques are much appreciated.

I'll just link to my deviantART here: http://francisbuck.deviantart.com/art/The-Wolf-and-the-Wanderer-330073883?ga_submit=10%3A1349047906

[What Came Before]

Four pages in - so far, so good.

[What Came Before]

Mon #104

Story

The arrow goes through my heart. At last, at last I see the ghosts of my ancestors.

How petty of them, to linger in the material world.

I try to gasp out last words regarding the folly of fighting in their name and memory, but before I can say anything I'm already leaving my body behind.

/Story