[What Came Before]

Tues #105

Story

Quetzacoatl, He who once ruled over a Dream-Time South America in a forgotten reflection of Earth, sails away from His homeland, turning back only once to look the sky. The smoke from the fires has risen up into a sneering face that takes on a reflective quality, a tarnished silver haze that mirrors the ruin below it, the razing done in Tezcatlipoca's name.

One day, Quetzacoatl promises Himself, he will return, a living god reincarnated through the ages.

He prays, to what or who He does not know. But still He prays for Memory, prays He doesn't forget who He is.

/Story

[What Came Before]

Weds #106

Story

He has a code. Sticks to Playboy vids, figures that none of those girls are likely to be the broken ones that go into porn.

But tonight he comes to a vid of a woman masturbating. He's made sure she has no scenes where she fucks anyone, and he even notices that he isn't attracted to this woman when she's not wearing makeup and that this makes him feel guilty.

But it's 3am, and work starts at 8:00. He has to come to get to sleep. So it's just like he eats meat because he needs the energy, and figures he's not really one of the bad guys you know?

Plus she smiled at (the camera) him when she was done stuffing herself with that giant black dildo. A benediction, surely? She seemed to be happy, that's why he picked her...

/Story

Thurs #107

Story

Sarasvati-Athena dances in the information, shifting the bits so that synchronicity via web search nudges us toward wisdom.

Vishnu-Zeus shifts through our laws, nudging regulations and the electric revelations of the screen to uphold our evolving approximation of Civilization.

Dionysus-Shiva rides the echoes of "Whose Streets? Our Streets!", surfing the hot passion of the revolution, a wave that smooths the cliff, the river that carves a canyon from epoch stacked layers of stone.

Entropy, after all, is the engine of Evolution.

/Story

[What Came Before]

"We cannot have a Brothel in our town", he said.
"Some say they do it for enjoyment, but how many others are pressed by financial situation, or are in vulnerable mental condition? How can we do this?"

He was a noble man, a protector of women; he nursed this notion in his soul.

That somehow these women would, without a brothel, magically find some equal paying and non demeaning work that would fit into their lives, automatically. Without him having to do a thing, because he certainly wasn't going to do more than protest this brothel.

He really didn't care what happened to them. As long as they weren't sluts.

As long as they weren't anyone elses sluts.

~~~
Inspired by a letter in the local newspaper.

[What Came Before]

Fri #109

Story

Time bends in my hand. I twist my wrist, and reality folds like origami to draw in past and future.

I think for a minute, only for a minute, and then I tear the Veil from our eyes...so that we might see the Infinite.

Sadly, I see now that we were not ready to be gods.

/Story

[What Came Before]

Sci, did you have any thoughts on what you read of my short story? I'm just curious because your opinion is valuable! Soon I'm going to do nice re-write and cut it to 7,500 words, and then start submitting it to some of the websites you mentioned in your Westeros thread.

[What Came Before]

I haz thoughtz! And cheezburgerz!

I was thinking the start has the people in a passive role, then something bad happens to them. Perhaps it's an urge to see a 'they did X, then Y happened' story structure I'm leaning toward, and also I'm not sure how you'd fit it into the story, but I think the story starting with people doing stuff, then getting a reaction (even if that reaction is plague) is preferable. Then again, I could be part of a tiny demographic in having a preference for this - hard to say.

[What Came Before]

I haz thoughtz! And cheezburgerz!

I was thinking the start has the people in a passive role, then something bad happens to them. Perhaps it's an urge to see a 'they did X, then Y happened' story structure I'm leaning toward, and also I'm not sure how you'd fit it into the story, but I think the story starting with people doing stuff, then getting a reaction (even if that reaction is plague) is preferable. Then again, I could be part of a tiny demographic in having a preference for this - hard to say.

Hmm, so you mean that you think it would be better if I started it with the character just living normal village life, and then have the plague/Holy Men/wolf come into it and illustrate their reactions that way?

The other thing to take into consideration is that I really want to keep this under 8,000 words, or better yet 7,500. That's usually the range in which most magazines/websites/contests want these kind of things (at least that I've seen).

EDIT: Or did you mean that the villager's actions should somehow be the cause for what takes place?

EDIT NUMERO DOS: By the way, is anyone else incapable of uploading things in your posts? I tried to upload the file for my story in like five different formats (.rtf, .doc, .txt, .pdf), but none of them worked -- that's why I just did the deviantART link, even though I didn't really want to upload my story there yet. Is that feature just disabled, or is there something wrong on my end?

[What Came Before]

I'll check it out, Francis, but I've discovered so many limitations with this forum. In many cases, even the pay-for version of forumer doesn't have many of even the few features members here have requested.

[What Came Before]

Sorry for the delay Francis! I liked the story.

The first thing I'd note is that words such as reticulated and miniature took me out of the story. I think it this is a villager in a distant village, these words sound too modern and took me out of the story.

It's also not clear why Fenris leaving and Odin being killed lead to the end of the plague, or if the plague ended naturally. Also, can a god be killed by a knife? Perhaps a banishment for Odin would fit better?

I wonder if you could have the horse bolt when the wolf howls, rather than use the snake as its entry seemed more of a distraction than a plot point?

eta: I also wonder if Odin is needed at all. Perhaps the girl simply kills the wolf as it takes over her grandmother? Maybe her grandmother even calls to her in a dream to stop the beast within. I just wonder if there's too much going on with Fenris and Odin being thrown in as characters. Well, Fenris might work actually in the spirit possession, as I like the idea that this is how the wolf can "escape" its prison.

[What Came Before]

I'll check it out, Francis, but I've discovered so many limitations with this forum. In many cases, even the pay-for version of forumer doesn't have many of even the few features members here have requested.

No big deal dude, that sucks that forumer is being a pain. It's really not that important of a feature, it was easily remedied with deviantART. You're doing a great job on the forums though, seriously. I think we've got a really good foundation here for discussions on writing, and hopefully it continues to grows as time goes on! And you should post more of your stuff too when you can! The more the merrier.

Sorry for the delay Francis! I liked the story.
The first thing I'd note is that words such as reticulated and miniature took me out of the story. I think it this is a villager in a distant village, these words sound too modern and took me out of the story.

It's also not clear why Fenris leaving and Odin being killed lead to the end of the plague, or if the plague ended naturally. Also, can a god be killed by a knife? Perhaps a banishment for Odin would fit better?

I wonder if you could have the horse bolt when the wolf howls, rather than use the snake as its entry seemed more of a distraction than a plot point?

eta: I also wonder if Odin is needed at all. Perhaps the girl simply kills the wolf as it takes over her grandmother? Maybe her grandmother even calls to her in a dream to stop the beast within. I just wonder if there's too much going on with Fenris and Odin being thrown in as characters. Well, Fenris might work actually in the spirit possession, as I like the idea that this is how the wolf can "escape" its prison.

Thanks so much dude! I'll get a response back to you a little later, right now I need to go for a run. But your comments are definitely insightful and much appreciated. Same goes for you Callan, and Camlost too; wish he could post more, but I understand a busy schedule as much as anyone. I actually just started a new job as a marketing salesman, which if you know me at all...well, it's like totally out of left field, haha. But the pay is really good so I'm definitely going to give it my all. Plus I get a free smartphone out of the deal! I'm excited, but a little nervous at the same time since I've never done anything even remotely close to sales. Either way I'm hoping to learn and then establish a stable, reliable income while I pursue my wildly unrealistically dreams of being a novelist/filmmaker/musician!

Keep up the writing everybody!

[What Came Before]

Sorry for the delay Francis! I liked the story.

The first thing I'd note is that words such as reticulated and miniature took me out of the story. I think it this is a villager in a distant village, these words sound too modern and took me out of the story.

It's also not clear why Fenris leaving and Odin being killed lead to the end of the plague, or if the plague ended naturally. Also, can a god be killed by a knife? Perhaps a banishment for Odin would fit better?

I wonder if you could have the horse bolt when the wolf howls, rather than use the snake as its entry seemed more of a distraction than a plot point?

eta: I also wonder if Odin is needed at all. Perhaps the girl simply kills the wolf as it takes over her grandmother? Maybe her grandmother even calls to her in a dream to stop the beast within. I just wonder if there's too much going on with Fenris and Odin being thrown in as characters. Well, Fenris might work actually in the spirit possession, as I like the idea that this is how the wolf can "escape" its prison.

Agreed on the diction Sci, that's definitely an area I need to work on. Also agreed with the snake part; I'm actually planning on cutting that whole section down and significantly rewriting it, because I want to free up my word budget and focus more on the ending (which I feel is very rushed, largely because I was exhausted by the time I got there -- almost no sleep for twenty-four hours *facepalm*).

As for the Odin thing, he isn't actually killed by the knife, it's the wolf that kills and proceeds to eat him. Basically, the whole idea of the story is that it's this sort of re-imagining of Little Red Riding Hood, while also being a parallel/merger of Norse myth and a little bit of twisted history. So essentially, the "witches" (practitioners of the old magic) created the plague in order to rid the land of the invading Holy Men, but for whatever reason (Yahweh?) it backfired and only affected the natives. So, Little Red's grandmother summons Fenrir to take vengeance on the Holy Men for killing her "sisters" and eradicating their way of life.

I don't know how much knowledge you possess of Norse myth, but I'm basically adapting (loosely) several different aspects. In the Prose Edda, it is said that "due to the gods' knowledge of prophecies foretelling great trouble from Fenrir and his rapid growth, the gods bound him" (this is from Wiki, for lack of time). In addition, in Völuspá it's said that Fenrir would consume Odin at Ragnarok, or the end of the world. In my story, Odin is essentially the stand-in for the traditional woodsman/lumberjack that saves Little Red Riding Hood from the wolf disguised as her grandmother. So the idea here is that my story is depicting "the end of the world" for Norse life -- I.E. the rise of Christianity and the fading of Norse culture/traditions/religion, etc. So in that sense Odin is pretty essential to the story. Also, the implication is that the plague ends because Odin has been "killed", and so the old magic has been wiped away from the earth (and thus the plague itself, which was created by old magic). You definitely made me realize I need to make that last part clearer though, so thanks for pointing it out.

All that being said, I totally agree that it feels like too much is going on, and especially I think the ending wraps up far too quickly. So I'm going to cut as much fat from the beginning and middle as possible, and then inject more stuff about Odin and Fenrir so as to make them feel less "thrown in" or out of place. I honestly have no clue how much I can really cut though, as I've purposely avoided re-reading the story whatsoever since I submitted it back in June. I think it's good to distance yourself from a project for a decent amount of time, just to let it gestate in your mind, and then be able to go back with a more objective viewpoint and hopefully some fresh ideas.

Thanks again for the critique Sci, and as always I greatly appreciate anyone taking the time to read my stuff. I'll definitely be troubling you for a re-read once I finish a second draft (though that won't happen until I've completed my rewrite of Perennials, which I'm hoping to have done by Christmas at the latest).

Then I can finally, finally start my goddamn epic fantasy!

[What Came Before]

Hmm, so you mean that you think it would be better if I started it with the character just living normal village life, and then have the plague/Holy Men/wolf come into it and illustrate their reactions that way?

As I read it that's what you've done so far, so I mean something else.

EDIT: Or did you mean that the villager's actions should somehow be the cause for what takes place?

Kind of. Call it an innate desire for observing cause and effect. However, what you have is both a valid setting, a village, yet villages are sedintary. So they don't do anything much to be a cause.

It's a bit specific, but what came to mind is something like 'Can even a rite of fertility die?'. They'd performed some fertility rites prior the coming of the plague, and with the plague more and more rites, getting more desperate and dangerous are performed. It gives a sense of them having done something and doing more things and a reaction occuring. Not that it'd actually be linked at all. Just an appearance of a possible cause/actions taken by the villagers and effect.

It might not be applicable - after all, TDTCB starts with a plague. But on the other hand they had just fled the apocalypse - so it kind of feels like a cause/effect scenario.

[What Came Before]

Well, the contest I submitted to just announced my name today for the longlist: http://fantasywritingcontest.com/category/judges/

I'm honestly shocked I got this far. They've been announcing five people for the past six days, and I was on the last day, so I pretty much gave up hope lol. But at least I can I was in the top 2% out 1,700! No idea when they announce the actual six winners, but I'm happy just to have gotten this far, considering how little time I had to polish the damn thing.

[What Came Before]

Wow, congrats on landing in the 2%, Francis! Though let us take a moment to appreciate the other 98% as well. Subjective views of judges and all.

[What Came Before]

Wow, congrats on landing in the 2%, Francis! Though let us take a moment to appreciate the other 98% as well. Subjective views of judges and all.

Heh, you're cute. Thanks buddy