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Philosophy & Science / Re: Suicide or not
« on: February 11, 2014, 10:41:38 pm »
You describe your emotions and thoughts very well, Auriga and most of it mirrors my own thoughts and reflections in the last years a bit.
When I realized most of the things in the world aren't as meaningful and substantial, as many people told me, they should be, I fell in a hole. Like Nietzsche said: "And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you."
It began with the books I read. In the last years I couldn't read a lot comedy and satire books or somewhat "light", "positive" or "friendly" literature. Almost all my books I bought in the last years had a "dark" and "heavy" theme, a lot to think about, or need to be very grim and depressing. I can't read a book about true love or some positive way of life anymore.
I have a relatively negative view of the world and I'm really unsure about my own perspective of living since I have read Bakker's books, Ligotti, and other authors. It is feels like a long-drawn-out depression. I have thought to visit a psychiatrist or therapeut, because I'm often very sad or oddly bored of many things ( especially human interactions and similar things ). But everytime I say to me:"What can he tell me, that I don't know myself?" and I don't go.
In my job as a pre-school teacher I have a lot a lot of kids around me - mostly 20 or more, 3-6 years old - and all my colleagues are women with families and a a very clear conception of their way of life ( and all the Illusions and self-adulation which come with it in my opinion...) The work with the kids is stressful but also sometimes entertaining and funny. But in the conversations with my female colleagues I'm being infamous because of my cynical comments and "realistic" evaluations of situations and dialogues with the staff and the parents. And it is getting worse, I think.
From time to time I think, I'm beginning to lose my human empathy because of my negative and nihilistic opinions about life and human existence. This mindset seems to be REALLY out of place in my kind of job. What brings me through the day most of the time, is one hope: That I can teach the little kids some kind of basics, which almost none of my colleagues could not or want not to do: to be able to think critically in school and life in a few years, to conceive their OWN opinion about the world and their living, despite the typical indoctrination in the political, religious and cultural beliefs of their parents or teachers.
I have often dark ideas and thoughts and need to keep my inner demon at bay, sometimes the chains of reality barely holding up his struggle to throw me finally in a meaningless darkness. But every once in a while I NEED to say to me, there are a lot of things, which are interesting enough for me, to enjoy life: More Knowledge about history, write my own stories, see interesting places, meet interesting people and learn new, fresh ideas and so on. Some of the time it works well, sometimes it doesn't work at all.
But I keep struggling for now, I hope it will be enough.
When I realized most of the things in the world aren't as meaningful and substantial, as many people told me, they should be, I fell in a hole. Like Nietzsche said: "And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you."
It began with the books I read. In the last years I couldn't read a lot comedy and satire books or somewhat "light", "positive" or "friendly" literature. Almost all my books I bought in the last years had a "dark" and "heavy" theme, a lot to think about, or need to be very grim and depressing. I can't read a book about true love or some positive way of life anymore.
I have a relatively negative view of the world and I'm really unsure about my own perspective of living since I have read Bakker's books, Ligotti, and other authors. It is feels like a long-drawn-out depression. I have thought to visit a psychiatrist or therapeut, because I'm often very sad or oddly bored of many things ( especially human interactions and similar things ). But everytime I say to me:"What can he tell me, that I don't know myself?" and I don't go.
In my job as a pre-school teacher I have a lot a lot of kids around me - mostly 20 or more, 3-6 years old - and all my colleagues are women with families and a a very clear conception of their way of life ( and all the Illusions and self-adulation which come with it in my opinion...) The work with the kids is stressful but also sometimes entertaining and funny. But in the conversations with my female colleagues I'm being infamous because of my cynical comments and "realistic" evaluations of situations and dialogues with the staff and the parents. And it is getting worse, I think.
From time to time I think, I'm beginning to lose my human empathy because of my negative and nihilistic opinions about life and human existence. This mindset seems to be REALLY out of place in my kind of job. What brings me through the day most of the time, is one hope: That I can teach the little kids some kind of basics, which almost none of my colleagues could not or want not to do: to be able to think critically in school and life in a few years, to conceive their OWN opinion about the world and their living, despite the typical indoctrination in the political, religious and cultural beliefs of their parents or teachers.
I have often dark ideas and thoughts and need to keep my inner demon at bay, sometimes the chains of reality barely holding up his struggle to throw me finally in a meaningless darkness. But every once in a while I NEED to say to me, there are a lot of things, which are interesting enough for me, to enjoy life: More Knowledge about history, write my own stories, see interesting places, meet interesting people and learn new, fresh ideas and so on. Some of the time it works well, sometimes it doesn't work at all.
But I keep struggling for now, I hope it will be enough.