Yay
!
Lol, thanks, Curethan.
The first few paragraphs felt rather clunky and amateur. Suggest taking a pretty hard look at your sentence structure there, it's much better once you get into your flow. Introduction is important.
The second sentence in particular. I made an edit I shouldn't have and it immediately halts the flow.
'One bright night, the Nail of Heaven shining above, Lissa finished her chores early and ran blissfully from her home to the promontory.'
Sounds very storybook. Also makes it sound like the Nail is providing the light. A few extra words to create the scene instead perhaps?
Also, one does not run at night in the countryside, even on a full moon. Neither do country folk do their chores of an evening. Very rare for children to be out alone at night.
Beginning a paragraph with a conjunction? Ech, but it almost works - I can see how it knits the first three paragraphs together.
Some rationale:
- I don't really have a distinct memory of a moon being mentioned in the text, though I think Bakker confirmed it on ZTS.
- Lol. I used my own childhood as something of a model? I did all those things. I mean, sure, maybe there was a more extreme sense of parent protectiveness historically (?).
- Lol. Is beginning paragraphs with conjunctions bad form?
I don't think you need the bit about freeing the Mandati from Seswatha's yoke. Its a needless elaboration that some readers may disagree with and not really necessary, as the Swayali do the grasping. Like Seswatha would refuse a new weapon against the Consult anyway 
I would suggest using that passage as an opportunity to reflect on Khellus' ability to change/manipulate the hearts of men instead, getting the Mandati to teach and accept women as their sorcerous-sisters actually seems a lot more impressive.
More rationale
(and I try to posit very little in terms of inventing narrative but, obviously, at this point I had to make a claim):
In the text, Esmenet reflects that Kellhus sends Serwa to the
Witches at Iothiah. I tried to use Serwa's approximate age to mark the years of the story (her being born directly after High Ainon's defeat, assuming this occurs in the middleish of the Unification Wars, also assuming that Kellhus continues southward from Shimeh to Nilnamesh at the coast and then back around the Three-Seas in a clockwise conquering from old Nansur eastward).
I couldn't reconcile myself to the idea that Kellhus personally teaches Witches the Gnosis - because it simply seems beneath him but especially because the Mandate tolerate the Gnostic School of Witches based on the fact that everyone but Kellhus has to touch the Heart and inherit the binding Seswatha homunculus.
I had considered simply suggesting that the Mandate taught the Witches like they have taught all Mandate students for generations. But Kellhus somehow dissolving the Quorum and the Witches learning the Gnosis at an increased-rate because of Kellhus' greater understanding, combined with the Witches governing themselves, rather than being a subset of the Mandate, led me to try the Seswatha hypnosis factor...
It was sketchy to me too.
My final gripe is in relation to plotting though. Lissa's 'village?' seems to be well integrated in the new empire when she is given to the Swayal. So why, after Lissa's training, is their suddenly a decision to execute the matriachal witches of that area? And why send freshly trained recruits to kill their own families? Seems a lot more Star Wars eeeeeevil than Kellhus style machinations.
Gah. Well, perhaps, this is something I'll work at in an expanded version, if we ever put together some kind of Earwa fan-clopedia. It was something of the main point for my narrative, so it wasn't as successful as I'd hoped, working to argue against criticisms drawn from the Bakker and Women threads.
To bullet-point some thoughts:
- Kellhus cannot affect everything the way he ultimately wants. If he could, he'd be the White-Luck Warrior. He has to manage and massage people's biases.
- The Mandate and the Schools all previously hunted and killed Witches and Wizards, a practice that would be reinforced, not dissuaded, in the New Empire, because Kellhus founds a School for Witches. In doing so, he reframes the practice in terms of
for or against Kellhus, Zaudunyani, Few and faithful, or Orthodox (because ultimately if you were for Kellhus, you'd belong to or join a School).
- Kellhus' offer to the Witches automatically becomes join the Swayal, as Schoolwoman, or die as traditionally outcast Witches. Because learning language is the primary obstacle to learning sorcery, Kellhus only wants those woman Few who are under a certain age. Kellhus' deal with the practicing Witches is submit your daughter Few in order to live peacefully. Obviously, never practice folkloric witchcraft again.
- In my mind, the only apparently sudden (and really not so sudden) decision is when Lissa's Mother regrets her decision at some point not to fight initially giving up her daughter. And so she rebels at some point after Lissa's in Iothiah. So it's not necessarily "Witches of that area," so much as it's "Lissa's mother is involved with the rebels and Lissa has come to know this."
- There are no "freshly trained recruits" after the Grasping and certainly not among the Swayal who have the benefit of learning sorcery after Kellhus. All who dream the Dreams (like all those who endure the Grasping) would be as good as Seswatha, on average, at least. But ultimately why have caste-nobles kill their own slaves, when you could coordinate a mass killing of slaves by the common soldier? Because it breeds loyalty. Because shared incrimination binds people together.
Cheers, Curethan. Thanks very much.
